College is supposed to be the best years of your life right? You're supposed to go out and party, meet new people, try new things, have life changing revelations, reinvent yourself. None of that is happening. In fact I'm fairly certain I can say it sucks.
It's not like I have a bad life. I have enough money to get me to school and cover the bills. I've got lots of friends. I'm in school so at least there is a possibility at one point in the future I wont be poor. But I'm still not happy.
I would like to imagine there is something out there I just haven't found yet that will act as a catalyst and turn it all around. I don't think there is. And if it is out there I don't think I will be able to find it. I feel a sense of self imposed nihilism creeping up on me. I shouldn't be this cynical and self loathing this early in life. That's what your 40s are for right?
I'm not really sure how to explain how I feel. It's like there is something missing, as cheesy as that sounds, but there is nothing to miss.
My girlfriend dumped me last sunday. I'm pretty sad, but thats not why I feel the way I do. I knew she was going to dump me. In fact I'm surprised she stayed with me as long as she did. But now she wont talk to me. She says she just needs some time to adjust. I don't know what she would need to adjust to. It's not like she lost anything important to her. I guess I'm just being hateful when I shouldn't be.
It's interesting that people my age are beginning to show signs of where they are going in life. It's only the first year of college yet I can see who is going to be successful and who is going to stay put and not advance anywhere.
I feel like I'm being left behind.
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